On Speaking vs. Sharing

Caroline Mauldin
Aug 28, 2023
3 min read

Let’s hear it for the self-aware squawkers! Credit: David Shrigley — *Let’s hear it for the self-aware squawkers! Credit:* *David Shrigley*

To begin with oneself, not to end with oneself; to start from oneself, but not to aim at oneself; to comprehend oneself, but not to be preoccupied with oneself.

-Martin Buber

Strengthening our interaction muscles

For as long as I’ve been circling the sun, active listening has been a hot topic–and rightly so: the extremely challenging skill of suspending your thoughts while tuning into someone else’s does in fact come in handy. A lot. So strengthening your mind-centering, distraction-eliminating, emotion-monitoring, verbal-cuing muscles is a very worthy practice.

But all this focus on listening has me asking: what about the other side of the equation? After all, for every active listener there has to be an active speaker. Are we supposed to be flexing our active speaking muscles as well?

My answer is yes! At the risk of oversimplifying, I think it comes down to the difference between speaking and sharing.

Sharing is Caring

Imagine for a moment that you are in a conversation. It could be with a colleague or a loved one. What does it feel like when they are speaking with you?

Now imagine they are sharing with you. Does it feel different? I’m willing to bet that the latter feels better–perhaps you feel more engaged or interested in what they have to say.

Some may call it semantics, but I’d call it style. Our natural inclinations around sharing add up to a more intentional, active interaction with others. For example:

When sharing something, we’re speaking from a personal perspective, observation, or experience, thereby indicating a certain humility in our exchange;
We’ve also likely tailored our message to what is most pertinent or interesting to our audience;
And we are probably tuned into the “readiness” of our audience, as we’d be disinclined to share with someone who is distracted or otherwise occupied.

Speaker, Meet Listener.

Whether you find yourself speaking or sharing (or both), here are three tried-and-true tips I’d offer for posterity:

Know your audience. What state of mind are they in? Is it even possible for them to hear you at this moment? If not, find ways to invite them into the matter at hand–or reschedule.
Mind the monologue. You know that moment when you realize yours has been the only voice speaking for 10 minutes? Short of a planned speech, theatrical monologue, or Sinnerman, no one needs to hear one voice for that long. Take a break. Hint: Use the break to see if your audience is still with you.
Make it easy. As mentioned, active listening is hard for all of us regular humans who “hear 125 – 250 words a minute, but think at 1000 words a minute.” It would therefore be smart (and generous) to communicate in such a way that makes it easy on our listeners. Don’t underestimate the power of location, time of day, and parties present. Especially when you’re conveying information that may be difficult to hear, consider the conditions that set you and your counterpart up for success.

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A Vanishing Masterpiece in the Georgia Marshes.

H/T to my friend Caroline Weathers for sharing this beautiful NYT piece on the possibly-vanishing art of Beverly Buchanan nestled within the definitely-vanishing marshes of Georgia and honoring the shall-not-be-vanished history of Igbo people who chose freedom in death over enslavement. (With photos by my childhood pal, the ever-talented Kendrick Brinson.)