On Human Perennials: Different Doesn't Mean Wrong

Credit: “My Greatest Friend” (1986) by John Drysdale

Beloved community is formed not by the eradication of difference but by its affirmation, by each of us claiming the identities and cultural legacies that shape who we are and how we live in the world.

-bell hooks

Notions & Contemplations

Different Doesn’t Mean Wrong

Several years ago, a dear colleague and friend, Jamie Beale Howe, reminded me of one simple, yet significant principle in the sandbox of human interaction: different doesn’t mean wrong. A management consultant and licensed facilitator of the Intercultural Conflict Styles Inventory, Jamie specializes in helping teams better understand how individuals’ unique backgrounds and cultures inform their communications and conflict styles–and how naming those differences can help teams work together with more ease and higher productivity.

“Different doesn’t mean wrong” may sound more obvious than revolutionary; but, from my perspective, it is one of those principles that we instinctively knew as toddlers and eventually left behind as adults. Case in point: polarization in the United States (though we’ll leave that can of worms for another day).

Hierarchy, Power, and the “Right” Way

Let’s tackle another case in point: workplace hierarchy. When designed well, hierarchy is a useful means of organizing people and complex decision-making. On the flip side, hierarchies have a tendency to reinforce dominant norms set by one person or group of people (typically the CEO or leadership team). When these norms become widely accepted as the “right” way of doing something, different often does mean wrong. The consequence? People with divergent ways of thinking, speaking, and/or interacting become, at best, outliers, and at worst, ostracized in said hierarchy.

Here’s the trouble with this little [common] workplace scenario: when it comes to communicating, there is no right way! According to the Intercultural Conflict Styles Inventory, each of us falls somewhere on a matrix of communication styles–from direct to indirect and from emotionally restrained to emotionally expressive. No one way is better than the other–they’re all just different.  

Graph adapted from the Intercultural Conflict Styles Inventory

As yet another perennial challenge faced by us flawed members of the human race, different communications styles can play out something like this:

The pain point: I’m bent out of shape about ongoing friction with a colleague/loved one, with whom the slightest interaction regularly devolves into an argument and/or avoidance.

The antidote: As an intellectual exercise, set aside the notion that the friction is personal. Then consider the following questions:

• Could it be that my colleague/loved one is more (or less) direct and/or emotionally expressive than I’m typically comfortable with?

• Could it also be the case that the differences in our communication styles have more to do with our respective life experiences (e.g. culture, family patterns, etc.) rather than any sort of personal vendetta?

• How might I create space to talk about the difference in our styles and identify ways to better engage with one another in the future?

Naming the difference in our communication styles could very well eliminate friction without asking either of us to change or attaching labels of “right” and “wrong.” Et voila: we have activated the principle that different doesn’t mean wrong, and we’ve unlocked another human perennial!

The Friction isn’t Wrong, the Lesson is.

Whether operating in an institutional or interpersonal context, most of us have been trained to believe that difference begets friction, and that friction ought to be avoided. (Side note: Our deeply ingrained avoidance of friction is, IMHO, one of the major reasons we are slow-as-molasses in diversifying our organizations, communities, and social circles.) When we remember the wisdom of our inner child–that different doesn’t mean wrong–we can welcome the friction as an opening for engagement and learning. And that, my friends, is where the real magic happens.

Onward,

P.S. Please join me in congratulating my parents, Melanie and Tom, as they celebrate 52 years of marriage (and beautifully embracing difference) today! <3

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A helpful reminder that learning is not linear:

And a lovely reminder of the importance (and relative ease) of reframing our mindset from artist Keely Shaw, available as a print here.