On "Help" "Thanks" and "Wow"

The uninhibited joy of a child is something to behold…and return to. Image found here.

I feel like the people who I respect the most are the people who just accept and announce that ‘I am a searcher. I don’t have the answers. I’m going to continue to look for them.’

--Jason Isbell, quoted in The Bitter Southerner Issue No. 6

Notions and Contemplations

A Difficulty of Adulting

The older I get, the more I realize how much we are called to hold opposing feelings and truths at once. For example, last month, I felt crushed by the harrowing, evolving conflict in Israel and Palestine; also last month, I felt the unprecedented joy of marrying a wondrous man, whom I’d spent the better part of forty years searching for, while surrounded by beloved friends and family. No doubt you’ve experienced similar moments [read: weeks, months, years] of emotional incongruity, when it feels hard—and seemingly insensitive—to swing between the highs and lows of being human.

As children, we coped with these swings through outbursts–often signaling a need for help–or through uninhibited delight, without shame-induced self-censure. Either way, we felt the thing, and we expressed the thing. Hooray for catharsis! As adults, our coping mechanisms are complicated by external expectations and obligations: we question the“suitability” of expressing emotions (e.g. fear, frustration, bliss, or awe) to others; and in so doing, we repress the thing and skip the much-needed catharsis—only to be dealt with later in some other way. Unfortunately, I know few people who are finding success with this method.

Help. Thanks. Wow.

Some years ago, my mom gave me a short book by Anne Lamott, a writer-philosopher of the comedic, spiritual wisdom sort. The book, Help Thanks Wow, is Lamott’s summary of all the prayers or petitions ever uttered. While Lamott’s reflections are offered largely in the context of one’s relationship to a higher power, I am struck by how relevant the offerings of“help,” “thanks,” and “wow” are to our secular, earth-bound interactions. They provide an alternative approach to the aforementioned flawed Adult Method of processing emotions.

Help.

Question: when was the last time you asked someone for help?Ah, but it’s a trick question: I mean asked without ego, fear, or the passive aggression that loves to follow those two; I mean the kind of ask that comes from a place of genuine I-can’t-do-this-on-my-own humility. As a coach, I talk to high-performing executives all the time who didn’t realize they just needed someone to listen and help them through the maze of their very full, very impressive brains. And it’s no wonder we forget to ask: we live in a society founded on the idea of independence and self-reliance. Asking for help is not part of our mythical equation for worthiness and success. So, we repress or delay the petition, thereby extending our suffering and missing the opportunity for the intimate connection born of sharing our vulnerability. How might you ask for help this week or over the holidays?

Thanks.

With Thanksgiving coming up next week, I expect we’ll all be doing a lot of thanking—especially for the many things it is easy to be grateful for: a healthy family, a roof over one’s head, or the extraordinary, unconditional love of a dog, just to name a few that come to mind. Then there are the things that are harder to put on the ole gratitude list: the interactions that start with frustration and end with self-reflection; the health scares that ultimately strengthen mental and physical resilience; the draining commitments, now ended, that allow us to now say “never again.” These hard-to-thank episodes are where gratitude feels less immediately accessible, but with time and space can also be where we find its healing power. In shifting the memory from regret to thanks, we expand our consciousness of what works for us, and, critically, what doesn’t. The search for gratitude helps us move from pain to learning to growth. As we round out 2024, what experience with a loved one or colleague might you be unexpectedly grateful for this year?

Wow.

In her book, Lamott reflects on the power of awe to expand our perspective. It is a reminder–often intoxicating, always humbling–that we are not in control, that we do not have all the answers, that there is something grander, something greater than our all-consuming to-do lists. Research by the John Templeton Foundation points to the positive effects of awe: “Awe also seems to boost feelings of connectedness…, increase critical thinking and skepticism, increase positive mood, and decrease materialism.” How wonderful to be astonished; to encounter the unexpected. It is the very best kind of surprise–and an aspect of human behavior that, like asking for help, it seems we were much better at as children. Somewhere along the way, we started to take things for granted, including I daresay, each other. When was the last time you were suspended in awe by the generosity of a friend? Or by the patience of a colleague? Astonishment almost necessarily requires a pause for consideration–one that we are often too busy to take. Yet it is in those moments of wonder that we remember the rarity of genuine human connection, and the astonishing luck of being here together, on this tiny spinning dot, in this moment of cosmic time, at all. How might you create moments for awe in your relationships this holiday season?

As we consider our relationship to Help, Thanks, and Wow in the context of processing complex adult emotions, I’m also inclined to think about how our approaches to each behavior differ in our personal and professional spheres. Am I more inclined to ask for help from friends or colleagues? Do I find moments of gratitude and awe at home as much as I do at work, or vice versa? How might engaging with Help, Thanks, and Wow help us navigate the roller coaster of life with more ease?

My thanks to Anne Lamott for the years of inspiration and invitations to both pause and laugh. Find more of her wisdom in this Ted Talk.

---

On My Kindle + Feed + Calendar

Some Advice by J. Drew Lanham | Originally published in Issue No. 6 of The Bitter Southerner magazine, which you absolutely need to buy and read cover to cover. Trust me.

If you can,

find some corner of the world

at peace.

A sliver of green. Water serene.

Wherever nearby. Far away.

Go there. Burrow in. Listen to

birds.

Talk with frogs.

Turn off what you can’t control.

Turn on to something wild.

Be bold in your silence.

Do what you can where you are

to notice,

to nurture something good.

Something kind.

Something that slows your heart

quiets the mind

to drop-trickled thoughts—

even as the world shouts.

Let many desires rise

to a single love.

Whisper a prayer on the wind

to North, East, South, West

to whatever god(s) you wish.

You do not have to bow

or kneel.

Go straight on the winding path

at him or her or them,

Climb if you must. Sit.

Rest. Be Still.

Ask for better.

Demand it.

Then–

breathe.