On Conflict's Reminder

Caroline Mauldin
May 28, 2023
4 min read

Tearing up the original may reveal something new and beautiful. Source

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.”

― Lao Tzu

Notions & Contemplations

As someone who has spent most of her life avoiding interpersonal conflict, it is one of life’s great ironies that I now spend much of my day working with clients and colleagues on how it shows up in our professional relationships: specifically, how we can best navigate it and, critically, why we avoid it in the first place.

When Two or More Come Together…

Conflict in the workplace (and at home) takes many forms. There are mini conflicts stemming from poor communication, simple misunderstandings, or misplaced assumptions, which most of us move through with relative ease about 100 times/day.

Then there are the monster conflicts, which (speaking from experience) can take over mind, body, and spirit, and often find us retreating to the proverbial trenches of interpersonal warfare.

Regardless of the size or type of the conflict, one thing seems to be true for most of us: once we’re in it, we want out. (One ticket for the Peace Train, please and thank you.)

But how? While I am far from knowing THE answer to that very big question, I have gathered a couple of tricks for this particular exercise in being human:

Trace the Source.

First and foremost, we have to understand where the conflict is coming from–especially within ourselves. When a strong feeling of dissent rises up in your chest, it helps to probe the reaction. Often I discover that the strength, if not the entirety, of my conviction is influenced by factors unrelated to the matter at hand: maybe I didn’t sleep well, or, equally likely, I’m upset about a recent headline in the news. Tracing the source allows me to isolate and address the precise nature of the conflict rather than use it as a proxy for, well, all of my anxiety.

Question Absolutes.

In the midst of a monster conflict, it is reeeeeeally easy to jump to absolutes: I am right, you are wrong, and never the twain shall meet. But as we’ve covered in previous Notions & Contemplations, absolutes are as rare as perspectives are varied. To move through conflict, we need to make mental accommodations for the [absolute!] fact that our point of view is limited. You might say that conflict is a humbling, perpetual reminder: in the face of disagreement and/or discomfort, lean in to learn more, even (and especially) when we are convinced of the superiority of our position.

Check the Ego.

Speaking of absolutes, you know who loves them? You guessed it: Ye Olde Ego. To be clear, I’m not just talking about ego-centric people; I’m referencing that lovely part of every human’s psyche that thrives on distinguishing itself with certainty and pride. When we find ourselves immersed in a monster conflict and our values and/or sense of self are challenged, the ego gets triggered. “What do you mean you don’t agree with me? Don’t you know how hard I’ve worked to have this opinion?!” Whether or not we are conscious of such thoughts, rest assured they are influencing our behavior in the midst of conflict. When we check the ego, we can separate fact from fiction. For example:

“I have a different opinion than my counterpart.” ✅ FACT
“Our difference of opinion means that I am imminently more qualified to make this decision.” 🚫 FICTION
“I must prove my worth by digging into my position, escalating the conflict, and winning at all costs.” 🚫 FICTION

As I’ve learned from my main man Carl Jung, beloved mentors, and many wonderful clients and colleagues: conflict is not only inherent in human relationships, it is NECESSARY for them to thrive. And unfortunately for those of us programmed to avoid conflict, learning how to navigate it is necessary for growth.

Do you have a tried-and-true strategy for navigating conflict? I’d love to hear about it!

Drop me a line.

On My Kindle + Feed + Calendar

Meet Lennie

As is the case for many, most of my time spent on Instagram leaves me feeling slightly emptier than before I opened the app…until the algorithm magically delivered Lennnie to my feed. If you haven’t met Lennnie yet, he is “ a little blob just trying to help u get through the day,” and every single one of his short animated videos is a profound, precious reminder of the light we carry within us. Find him on Instagram here, and remember: you’ve got this.

Better Intros

It is another one of life’s great ironies that I am a professional communicator who frequently stumbles over how to respond to the cocktail party question “So, what do you do?” Sound familiar? Here’s a great TEDx talk on simple formulas for more compelling intros. As for me, I help leaders and teams find their frequency. ;)