On Human Perennials: Perspective

The beautiful chaos of “El Colibri” or “The Hummingbird.” Art by David Schmitt, also known as "Tuyo." Print available here.

For us to transform as a society, we have to allow ourselves to be transformed as individuals. And for us to be transformed as individuals, we have to allow for the incompleteness of any of our truths and a real forgiveness for the complexity of human beings.

 -Rev. angel Kyodo williams 

Notions & Contemplations

About a year ago, this newsletter touched on one of the hardest and most rewarding aspects of professional and personal development–that of navigating conflict. Even for those of us that are innately conflict avoidant, it is a simple fact of life that it cannot, in fact, be avoided. Indeed, I’ve come to believe that the ability to proactively navigate conflict with humility and empathy is one of the most meaningful leadership attributes we can cultivate. And, no surprise, it is easily one of the most frequent topics of conversation in my coaching work with executives.

Back in May, I shared three “tricks” for navigating conflict at work and in life: Trace the Source; Question Absolutes; and Check the Ego. I return to the thorny topic this month with a deeper dive into the first trick: Trace the Source.

The Pain Point: My head and heart space is increasingly consumed by tension with my colleague/partner/loved one.

The Antidote: Interrogate the source of the tension by honing in on two contributing factors: Perspective and Perception.

Perspective

As you’ve heard me say before, we can only see from where we stand. No matter how entrenched we feel in a given situation, we are still limited by our singular point of view. This means that information asymmetry is a very real challenge in any conflict: the data informing my perspective is necessarily different from the data informing your perspective. To find our way forward, we must summon the inner strength to expand our perspective by inquiring about our counterparts' points of view with curiosity and humility. What are you seeing that I am not seeing? What might I learn by looking at the world through your window as well as mine?

Please note that I am not suggesting that this is an easy exercise. To check one’s perspective, especially when in an impassioned state, is both challenging and humbling. But the sooner we’re able to recognize the limitations of our unique perspectives, the sooner we can dispel the interpersonal tension that too often blocks our progress.  

Perception

Whereas perspective can be defined as the overall lens through which we see the world, perception is our interpretation of the information we receive through that lens–and, critically, the meaning we attach to that information. For example, let’s say your colleague has not responded to a time-sensitive inquiry. Your perception–the meaning you attach to their behavior–is that they are not prioritizing your project as they should, perhaps even that they are disrespecting your relationship. Meanwhile, the colleague’s toddler threw their phone in a deep, dark lake and they are rushing to get it replaced so that they can, in fact, respond to you.

Toddlers aside, the point is that our perception of others’ intent and/or behavior is often flawed, which in turn contributes to interpersonal tension based on myth rather than reality. When we don’t take a moment to interrogate our own perception of events, we run the risk of escalating conflict that shouldn’t exist in the first place.

Choosing the Hard, Easier Path

The act of checking both our perspective and our perception requires a substantial amount of self-awareness, humility, and empathy–none of which are easy to come by in the midst of interpersonal conflict. Our emotions are heightened, our vulnerabilities may be activated, and our defenses are up. It is far more comfortable to cling to the certainty of our perspective and perception than entertain the complexity of the dynamics at play. But given the choice to 1) stick to my guns and prolong interpersonal tension or 2) question my position and move through conflict with more ease, I’ll take the latter (on my good days, at least). What about you?

Onward,

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On My Kindle + Feed + Calendar

The truth, dear readers, is that my kindle, feed, and calendar have taken a decidedly different turn in the last couple of months for one tiny bundle of a reason: Beau and I are expecting a baby boy this month!

So instead of sending you recommendations on my current content consumption, including the dreaded fourth trimester (yay more sleeplessness!) and matrescence (a word so new that my computer is still convinced it’s misspelled), I’m turning the tables: if you feel so inclined, please respond to this email with 1) your best parenting advice and/or 2) the title of your favorite children’s book. I will aggregate and share in next month’s newsletter, with much gratitude!